First Day Jitters

Yes, today is her first day of Kindergarten, and I’m the one who’s nervous. But no, I’m not dropping her off at school. Not at the bus stop. Not walking her to her classroom. I’m not dressing her in brand-new school clothes. Not preparing her bagged lunch. I’m not talking to her about classroom protocol (at least not yet). I’m not reminding her to raise her hand for questions or to keep quiet unless called upon. I’m not letting her leave my arms for the day. Instead, I’m taking her for a morning walk and calling it exercise, all the while watching other parents scramble their kids into car seats and hurry them off for their first day. I’m reading her great books and calling them history and science. I’m working on the sounds that little animals embedded into letters say, “Allie Alligator says ah, ah, ah,” hands opening and closing like an alligator, and singing the corresponding ZooPhonics song. I’m pulling out worksheets for pencil-position practice. More profoundly, I’m teaching her the Bible memory verse for the week, Proverbs 4:20, “Pay attention, my child, to what I say. Listen carefully.” I’m instructing her on the wisdom of listening not only with her ears, but also with her eyes and her heart.

It all feels peculiarly anti-climactic for her first day of school. I sort of feel like I’m getting out of line or jumping ship or even parachuting out of a perfectly good plane. It’s a slightly uneasy feeling, like I’m holding her back, keeping her from something everyone else is getting. I am second-guessing myself on this decision. Are we doing the right thing? Is this the best thing for her? It feels like I’m stepping out onto the surface of the moon. I’ve never been here before. Today I know what it means to step out in faith, doing something you feel the Lord’s calling you to do, even though you're tossed by doubts. My head tells me it’s the best thing for my child; my heart is looking around at everyone else.

I’m siding with my head on this one.