Worth it all...

It's not easy to write about hard stuff.  I don't like to expose my soul to the world.  People don't want to open up sometimes about what's going on, but I think if we were more willing to do so, others might learn, might be encouraged, and may even begin to heal. 

Here's what's going on: marriage is hard right now.  Almost 13 years in, and yet things can still be incredibly challenging.  So what do you do when marriage is difficult?  Do you avoid each other, hoping that in a day or two, the conflict will dissipate?  Do you make every interaction a point of opposition?  Do you insist that you are right, period?  Do you out-and-out fight wherever you are, even at the dinner table?  Are you a runner?  Take a semi-permanent trip to your parents or cousin's house, in hopes that distance will heal the chasm?  Maybe you just take a 30-minute car ride to find space to breathe.  That's something I've done over the years.  It helps.  Quite a bit, actually.  It's what keeps me from blowing my top (which can be blown rather easily at times -- not proud of that).  Sometimes just a little time out helps me calm down enough to go back and apologize.  It helps me remember how blessed I am and how much more humble I need to be.

There are times, though, when the differences feel more enormous.  Just trying to discuss issues causes us to be immediately defensive.  We both want to be right.  Isn't that human nature?  Yeah, I believe the Bible calls that pride.  Blame gets slashed around like a sword, and we end up more injured than when we started.  Neither one of us wants to give up ground.  We hold it tight-fisted and go to sleep agreeing to disagree.  I have a hard time sleeping afterwards, and then I wake up more disturbed than I went to sleep.  There is something about the biblical precept of not going to bed angry, but I don't always want to be the one who admits wrong.  Especially when it feels like always.

This is where we have been lately, but we've made proactive choices.  We are seeing a counselor.  Having a counselor to talk to that can help iron out differences is a really good thing, and it DOESN'T mean your relationship is close to being over.  Not at all.  In fact, it means you are beating odds by making that choice.  You are saying, "My spouse is THIS worth it, and I know this will help."  Eric and I have had to see counselors a couple times in our marriage to help walk us through conflict and disagreements.  It's amazing how much perspective it gives us. 

This is one of those times.  And things are looking up.  Our marriage vows and the love we share are worth it all.