Stepping Out of Line
Nobody understands why I’m home-schooling. When I tell people Abby’s in Kindergarten and that I’m home-schooling her, they look at me like I just grew wart-covered rabbit ears and they're trying to avoid embarrasing me by refraining to put words to the first thought that came to their mind. The cashier at our local market, my neighbors, my cousin, my mother-in-law -- heck, even my public-school-teaching husband isn’t quite sure what to make of it, and I feel strangely like I’m disappointing everyone.
I even ask myself why daily at this point. I don’t even know where to begin, really. I wasn’t home-schooled. I went to small Christians schools my entire school career. For a part of one year, my parents pulled me out and home-schooled me. I don’t even remember the specifics of that year, except I was being bullied by one of the girls at our tiny church school, and I would come home crying daily. But I wasn’t home-schooled long enough for it to make a huge impact on my life, not to the point of making me want to home-school my kids.
So why home-school my kids? Besides having a few home-schooled friends growing up and seeing their quality of character, all I can say is that it started as a small seed the Lord planted in my heart years ago to do, even before I had married or had children, and now enrolling my kids in our local public school feels completely impossible for me. I might sooner box up the contents of my house and move to Allahabad, India. I just know in my heart it’s not what God wants me to do with my kids.
But I have to say that it feels like the world looks down on me for this decision. I have stepped out of a long line of parents with Kindergarteners; I'm watching everyone else move forward, amidst strange looks and long silences, and it feels like I’m holding her back. I’m not, though. I want to shout it from the rooftops. I’M NOT!!!!! I’m giving 110% of my day to this effort, and although I do delight in watching her learn new concepts that I just taught her – and can’t imagine giving that to someone else – I am pouring every last ounce of me and then a drop or two more into my already full-time job as a mommy, and I do it with all the wariness of one who steers through uncharted territory. And I frequently make the mistake of looking four years ahead of myself and being instantly overwhelmed with where I will be in 2013, which makes as much sense as trying to see the other side of the mountain while I’m slowly driving around it. And I fight the fear of failure moment by moment.
And all without the praise of almost anyone else. It is truly thankless. But….I think I hear God cheering somewhere near the sidelines...still and quiet. And not because I'm better than everyone else that's standing in line, but because I'm stepping out of line in faith and doing what He called me years ago to do.
I even ask myself why daily at this point. I don’t even know where to begin, really. I wasn’t home-schooled. I went to small Christians schools my entire school career. For a part of one year, my parents pulled me out and home-schooled me. I don’t even remember the specifics of that year, except I was being bullied by one of the girls at our tiny church school, and I would come home crying daily. But I wasn’t home-schooled long enough for it to make a huge impact on my life, not to the point of making me want to home-school my kids.
So why home-school my kids? Besides having a few home-schooled friends growing up and seeing their quality of character, all I can say is that it started as a small seed the Lord planted in my heart years ago to do, even before I had married or had children, and now enrolling my kids in our local public school feels completely impossible for me. I might sooner box up the contents of my house and move to Allahabad, India. I just know in my heart it’s not what God wants me to do with my kids.
But I have to say that it feels like the world looks down on me for this decision. I have stepped out of a long line of parents with Kindergarteners; I'm watching everyone else move forward, amidst strange looks and long silences, and it feels like I’m holding her back. I’m not, though. I want to shout it from the rooftops. I’M NOT!!!!! I’m giving 110% of my day to this effort, and although I do delight in watching her learn new concepts that I just taught her – and can’t imagine giving that to someone else – I am pouring every last ounce of me and then a drop or two more into my already full-time job as a mommy, and I do it with all the wariness of one who steers through uncharted territory. And I frequently make the mistake of looking four years ahead of myself and being instantly overwhelmed with where I will be in 2013, which makes as much sense as trying to see the other side of the mountain while I’m slowly driving around it. And I fight the fear of failure moment by moment.
And all without the praise of almost anyone else. It is truly thankless. But….I think I hear God cheering somewhere near the sidelines...still and quiet. And not because I'm better than everyone else that's standing in line, but because I'm stepping out of line in faith and doing what He called me years ago to do.
Comments
I loved several of the lines. I'll have to go back into your blog and let you know what they are.
"I might sooner box up the contents of my house and move to Allahabad, India." -- where is that??
"which makes as much sense as trying to see the other side of the mountain while I’m slowly driving around it" -- too true.
"And not because I'm better than everyone else that's standing in line, but because I'm stepping out of line in faith and doing what He called me years ago to do" -- and I'm so glad you're listening.
"Lord, help Sara to keep listening and give her the STRENGTH to obey. -- In Jesus name, Amen."
Love you and soooooo proud of you,
mama
I would love to email you a booklet that has encouraged me so many times over the last "who knows how many" years. Someone gave it to me the first year I HS'd and it has been such a blessing to me! I scanned it into my computer because it's no longer in print. If you want it, just let me know and I'll be happy to send it on its way.
Know you are being prayed for!
~ Leah
Don't worry about what other people think. Just the fact that people are thinking is a good sign. It's an activity we don't engage in enough.
Homeschool kids always turn out worlds ahead of their school-going counterparts. And your kids are already brilliant.