Undone

It’s weird how misplaced things felt to have them gone all day. It seems I’m forever complaining about not having a moment’s peace, and yet I found I just wanted to be near them again, to hear their joyous [and often NOT-so-joyous] cacophonies, to hug on them, squeeze and kiss them.

My little bugs were playing at Grandma’s all day. It was rather relaxing without them here, but honestly, I don’t seem to know how to do relaxing anymore. I worked on deposition transcripts in the morning and early afternoon, out of pure necessity, and my brother Nathan played the parent, carousing with them and keeping an eye on them as they played at Grandma’s for the day. So the hallways of our little home were resoundingly

s-i-l-e-n-t.

Even though I only worked on transcripts until about two o’clock, the deafening hush lasted up until dinnertime.

I tell you, I didn’t know what to do with myself.

I have a million things I should’ve done in those four hours, like finish up laundry, clean out the fridge and pantry, put dishes away, you name it. Yet I somehow couldn’t bring myself to work, my official “work” having already been completed and nothing but quiet time for thought collection laid out before me on which to stretch. So I blogged for a couple hours, surfing various blogs on the Internet. I started by reading one blog, and then that one blog linked me to someone else’s blog, and then that blog would ferry me to yet another blog. Blog after blog after blog, it was one long chain of blogging frenzy. After I finally wrenched myself away from the Internet to begin dinner prep, however, I began asking myself what I had really accomplished. Not a whole lot!

A huge pile of guilt was beginning to settle on my shoulders. -----This guilt thing has been happening more to me lately. Capricious moments of joy are hideously swept up by debilitating guilt.------ Why should I feel guilty for not getting up and putting myself to work? I tell you, I don’t know how to rest and just do nothing anymore. It just is such a rare occurrence, and really, there’s so much that should’ve gotten done. You can probably tell I “should” myself a lot.

Well, so it all went undone for the day. I can admit it.

It was refreshing, really. And I realize that somehow I must find a way to force myself to do that more when I am playing parent for the day, when my girls are here at home with me wanting my complete and undivided attention. I need to ignore the dishes in the sink, the mounds of laundry, the cluttered rooms, and the dust that’s forming on my dresser. I need to just be theirs for the day and let things go undone a little more often.

They seemed almost like visitors when they returned. It was truly peculiar. I hope I remember today, how strange and empty life was without them, when on other days my world is turned so chaotically upside down by their rambunctious presence.